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last golf season tj and i would meet each other every sunday after his morning round of golf for lunch. one sunday I didn’t receive the normal call telling me to leave and head up to the clubhouse. i waited… and waited… and waited. he never called and i never texted. i knew he was drinking, golfing, and smoking cigars with "the guys" and he must have been having a really good time judging by the absence of text messages on my phone. (or he was dead, but i try to assume when i don’t hear from my husband for long periods of time he is alive and having a good time as opposed to lying dead in the middle of the fairway) at 9:30 that night (14 hours after leaving the house) i hear the golf cart pull in. his shameful head popped in our front door and slurred out “before you yell at me just know that i got you something.” i never once said a word to him. not even a look. he proceeds to bring in my two peace offerings: a monogrammed fleece hooded jacket from the clubhouse and… a supreme pizza. two weeks later, after another boozin’-it-up-smokin’-cigars-no-phone-or-text round of golf with "the guys" i scored a new golf glove and a long sleeve polo. a few weeks later, a new nike golf bag. as you can imagine, i’ve been practicing my nagging because i'm ready for a new post-pregnancy golf wardrobe. you know what’s different about this year and last year, though? we have an infant now. while he is out for a 14 hour day on the golf course, I’m at home with the kid. well… rozzy has definitely upped the ante and i'm happy to have her in my corner. this past weekend tj was gone for two days straight playing golf. (one of the outings was for the children’s miracle network and tj said i couldn’t forbid him from boozing it up and playing golf all day because it was, after all, “for the children.”) i can now add a pink adidas military style cap and a new nike golf polo to my arsenal of guilty husband swag. but, that’s not all – and here is where rozzy comes in – tj also brought home the new flip video HD camcorder i've been dying to get. so, if you are one of “the guys” that he golfs with and you are reading this, listen up: please invite my husband to the next out-of-state golf trip. i’d really appreciate it… momma needs a new car.
i didn't give birth to a 5 year old latin helen keller. that is why rozzy won't be learning spanish, sign language, or how to read anytime soon. when rozzy was only 2 months old a girl on one of my baby message boards said that her baby seemed really interested during meal times, so she thought it was time to introduce solids. i told her that rozzy watched me with interest as I shit and showered, but that I hadn't sat her on the toilet or purchased a loofah for her quite yet. there is a big movement in our society to make kids grow up faster than they have to. my goal for rozzy is to somehow, between me and tj smothering her with kisses, meet all developmental milestones in her own time. in the meantime, she is free to just act like a big baby. and, if your kid can speak a foreign language and use sign language that is great - really. but you may not want me to babysit because me no habla espanol and i only know one thing to say using my finger - and that's only when i'm driving.