i'm a dirty, dirty girl

last october i started researching a new way to eat called "clean eating." the gist of it is basically only eating foods that are from the ground, from a tree, or from a vine. i would only buy my meat from a butcher that sells meat from grain-fed, hormone-free cows. (if you aren't drinking organic milk, you are drinking cancer. true story.) this is a lifestyle change and it definitely ups the ante on my current organic-only produce and dairy rule. they say a great way to start making the positive changes slowly is to not ingest anything containing an ingredient you cannot pronounce fluently. changes like this are actually easy in my house - if i told tj toilet water warded of cancer he would make our coffee with it. so that was it: we were going "clean."

then the dumbasses at meijers put oatmeal cream pies on sale for 3 boxes at $5.

i've had 3 oatmeal cream pies today and it's not even 2:00. i started feeling really guilty after the third one and decided to check out the dreaded ingredient list of what my new favorite addiction is made of. the following is a list of things i have ingested not once, not twice, but three times today:

Corn Syrup, Flour Enriched Bleached, Barley Malt, Niacin, Iron Reduced, Wheat Flour, Folic Acid (Vitamin aB), Oat(s), Cottonseed Oil Partially Hydrogenated, Soybean(s) Oil Partially Hydrogenated, Riboflavin (Vitamin B2), Sugar, Thiamine Mononitrate (Vitamin B1), Vegetable(s) Shortening, Ammonium Bicarbonate, Baking Soda, Dextrose, Emulsifier(s), Contains 22% or less Leavening, Milk, Molasses, Polysorbate 60, Raisin(s), Salt, Sorbitan Monostearate, Soy Lecithin, Water, Whey, Mono and Diglycerides, Corn Starch, Caramel Color, Carrageenan, Cocoa, Coconut, Color(s), Egg(s), Egg(s) Whites, Apple(s) Evaporated, Milk Non-Fat Dry, Red 40, Sorbic Acid Freshness Preserved By Spice(s), Yellow 5, Flavor(s) Natural & Artificial, Sulfite Treated

what the hell is thiamine mononitrate? i don't know either - but lucky for me i can pronounce it fluently.

bad connection

my phone rings today:
me:"hello?"
costco girl with hideous outfit: "larissa?"
me: "yes?"
costco girl with hideous outfit: "hi it's christiana from costco - we met there around the holidays..."
me: "hello... helllo? hello??"
then i frantically hung up.

that's right - i faked not hearing her voice on the other end of the phone because i got super nervous; like, my arm pits got hot nervous. i'll be honest - ever since i blogged about her (and her hideous outfit) i've been worried that she would try to stalk me on facebook (which is always what i do after meeting someone new) and that she would find this website and then, consequently, realize i'm a shallow bitch. so i hung up on her. she immediately called back and i immediately sent her to voicemail. then my voicemail icon appeared on my phone - i freaking HATE when that icon is on the screen. i needed the icon to be removed but my pits started getting moist just from the thought of listening to her message. i called my voicemail and held the phone far away from my ear like it was on speaker phone - but it wasn't on speaker phone, it's just something dumb i do when i'm listening to messages that i don't want to hear. after about 5 minutes the ridiculous and bizarre nature of my behavior started sitting in and i started laughing - hard.

after a quick reflection and replay in my mind i realized: i act like a freaking weirdo in situations that i'm not comfortable in. then, after acting like a weirdo, i laugh like a hyena while having weird body convulsions. moist pits are the least of my problems - i'm gonna end up on the 7th floor of miami valley hospital someday if the right person observes this happening.

it seems like a lot of these instances are at work. bosses make me uncomfortable because, well - they have authority over me and that makes me super uncomfortable. i don't like anyone having any sort of power over me and this results in maniacal behavior on my part sometimes. in a staff meeting my boss started talking about a very upper level manager within our parent company who has the last name "stanky." out of nowhere i blurted out "STANKSTA THE GANGSTA!" that's not a lie. then i turned bright red, got really hot, my pits started sweating and i made weird sounds that strangely resembled laughter. it was all very, very odd... and i'm giggling just thinking about it.

one time (ok, this was last week) i went to mcdonalds. in an effort of trying to watch my diet a bit better, i decided i needed a cheeseburger but i could do without the fries and the pop. i would just drink the bottled water i had with me. so i went through the drive-thru and ordered a cheeseburger. immediately after they handed me the bag i regretted the decision of not getting fries. so i pulled back through the drive-thru. as i was ordering i realized how weird this was that i had just got a cheeseburger so i tried to make a slight transition into a deeper voice. on my way to the window to pay i realized that i may have fooled this chick with my deep voice, but she would surely recognize me since i just went through the line. my plan: hand her my debit card to pay while pretending to dig in my purse that was in my passenger side seat and avoid eye contact all together. well, halfway through this charade i realized how dumb this all was and i lost it. and i mean, i lost it. (i peed a little.)

part of me wishes that i wasn't so awkward in situations that i'm usually responsible for creating. the other part knows that christiana is reading this and i just want to say: your outfit wasn't really that bad.