the immediate onset of unwanted body hair occurs simultaneously as i’m peeing on my pregnancy tests. as soon as the “PREGNANT” appears on the stick, i sprout a black nipple hair. about 2 weeks after the positive test my “happy trail” arrives - and boy is that an appropriate term; nothing makes me happier than dozens of long black hairs marching down my pale, irish, pregnant navel with the sole intent of ruining my life. i’ve learned to just deal with it, as i know it is a temporary affliction. for 9 months i have to add in new body parts to graze with my venus goddess razor - and boy is that an appropriate name; nothing makes me feel more like a goddess than swiping blades across my jaw line to keep pubes from invading my cheekbones.
keep in mind that my one true obsession in life is the need to shave DAILY; this means during pregnancy i spend approximately 78% of my day shaving. this morning was no different than any other: i had just nabbed the unibrow, the pits, and the chin when i started heading towards the oh-so-happy trail... and then it happened: i sliced myself - bad. i started bleeding - a lot. as happiness and blood filled the tub i realized that i could very well be the first person to bleed out from trying to hack down their happy trail. and then that realization led to another realization: i would probably be the smoothest cadaver the morgue has ever detained.
after putting a band-aid the size of a small child on my stomach i made the decision (for the first time in my life)to actually not tell t.j. something. i would like for him to continue thinking that behind the shower curtain i’m a naturally hairless wonder frolicking in the warm water as opposed to edward scissorhands chopping up limbs and nipples. however, my secret was not so safe after roz delivered a swift kick to my wound area making me screech in pain. i tried to lightly explain my hair issue to t.j. (by “lightly” i mean i may have withheld the fact that i become an armenian sloth and have to nair my earlobes before listening to my ipod.)
i go on to explain to t.j. the story, and here is how that conversation went:
lars: “...so next thing you know, i’ve hit right by my scar on my belly button and i’m bleeding like a stuck pig. i mean, i really cut myself, t.j.... really bad. and i cannot believe it hurts this much. i have never had a cut before that hurt so bad. and it’s deep, too. .. a really deep cut.”
tj: *in a dead serious tone* “did you think you cut down to the baby?”
lars: *also in a dead serious tone* “yes, t.j. - i gave myself a c-section.”
tj: “did she try to stick her hand out?”
lars: “yes, t.j. - our baby tried to come out of a razor nick and i had to shove her back down and tell her it wasn’t time yet.”
because of this conversation and the laughter that ensued, i will continue to call it my happy trail.
