i woke up thinking i was dying. i woke t.j. up and told him my thoughts (that i was dying) and he said, "give me a minute - it's 12:30 am." i waited and then at 12:31 i reminded him of my impending death. because of my fake medical degree i have granted myself after obsessively surfing babycenter.com, google, and webMD, i had diagnosed myself with pre-eclampsia. i had severe upper abdominal pain, 2 days of headaches, and i'm in my third trimester: clearly i was dying from pre-eclampsia. while t.j. was trying to figure out if i was really in enough pain to warrant yet another medical bill, i'm explaining to him that not only was i pre-eclamptic, but that i was going to have to deliver a 34 week old baby via c-section within the next couple of hours and that he never did get that damn closet organizer put up in the nursery; something he would surely regret because when i'm dead and gone i won't be able to help him find where the diapers are 5x a day for 18 months. (ON THE FREAKING TOP LEFT SHELF, DAMMIT!)
t.j. called our neighbor to come stay with rozlyn (even though i was approaching the pearly gates, i still had enough sense to know not to wake that monster up.) the neighbor arrived and after reminding t.j. that i was dying, he finally started hauling ass to the hospital - at one point he even reached 2 miles above the posted speed limit.
pregnancy has wreaked havoc on me. i have been pregnant - at some point - in 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011, and 2012 with only one kid (currently) to show for it. i'm also down 2 organs, one tooth, lots of hair and 4,756 cans of miller lite. just when i think it cannot get worse they say i have to collect my piss in a gas tank for 24 hours and then bring it back the following day. easy enough, right? well after finding out i was dehydrated, they rehydrated me with enough water to fill the atlantic and then tell me that every time i pee that i have to pee in a cup and then transfer that pee into the mouth of a gas tank. i said, "look lady - i cannot even see my vagina and i'm a horrible shot - is there a certain amount i can shoot for, or do i really have to collect every ounce of piss over the next 24 hours?" she informs me if it's easier, i can just piss directly into the gas tank. riiiiiiiight.
i would really love to just have a normal pregnancy and be one of those women who are all about feeling like maternal goddesses; however, after being admitted to the hospital with dehydration issues all the while missing a tooth, sporting both a chipped manicure and a tramp stamp, flashing my crotch on accident, and spending the weekend pissing all over myself i have come to the following conclusion: i'm the lindsey lohan of pregnancy.
