or you could shut your face

“are your feet always that big, or is it because you are pregnant?” asked my friend’s new girlfriend approximately 6 minutes after our first introduction. “is your mouth always that big, or is it because you are a bitch?” ok, so i didn’t say that. instead i replied with a tight-jawed, “i’m not sure. I haven’t worn shoes in 6 weeks.” pregnancy and first-time motherhood somehow transforms your friends, family, coworkers and the girl at the sunglass hut kiosk into the love children of ann landers and joan rivers. put whiskey into her bottle to help her sleep? um, no. she can wait until she’s 13 to drink herself into deep slumber just like I did. shave her head because it will make her hair grow in faster? um, nope again... she can wait until that whiskey hits to make that bad decision for herself. generic chatter about weather and local sports teams has been replaced with everyone’s main concern: rozzy’s core body temperature.
“aren’t you going to put a coat on her?”
“isn’t it too warm for sleeves?”
“should she have longer socks on?”
“you should probably get rid of the blanket.”
“GET A HAT ON THAT POOR GIRL’S HEAD!” yelled my neighbor from her 2nd story bedroom window. “PUT A BAG ON YOURS!”
ok, so i didn’t say that either. instead i expelled some sort of nervous verbal vomit that included, “um” and “ok” and “thanks.” nothing seems to be off-limits. i never heard about so many peoples’ near-death experiences during childbirth as i did when I was 8 months pregnant. even the most trivial things become open to debate - take my baby shower registry: after researching for months, i compiled a damn good registry - only to find out that it was all unnecessary. well... unnecessary according to my husband’s grandmother who apparently raised my mother-in-law with nothing more than a stick and pair of tits. she so boldly informed me:
“when my mother raised all 10 of her children, she didn’t have fancy stuff like breast pumps, monitors, and bottle warmers.”

“well, they also didn’t have preparation H back then. After 10 children she probably would’ve found that a bit beneficial.”
and, yes... I did say that.