dirty blonde

i recently re-told this story and forgot how funny it was.

it was summer and i decided to go get my car washed on my lunch break at work. i was talking to t.j. on the phone as i pulled up to the entrance of the car wash - i'm sure it was a deep conversation about excel spreadsheets - so i was off in boringland not really paying attention. i do remember seeing a huge sign giving detailed instructions on how to drive through the car wash. psh - i'm university educated... pretty sure i can handle a car wash. for whatever reason, though, i did not notice that it was one of those wash bays where you have to perfectly line up your tires and drive your car up onto those rack-thingys. so, as i slowly pulled in i noticed that my car felt slightly like a bowling ball going down a very close-walled bumper ally. but, i had a SUV now... maybe the width of my car just makes a car wash feel differently. as i had just got the tail-end of my car into the wash area, i started looking all over for the miniature traffic light that tells you when to slow down and stop so that the washing can begin. no traffic light. hmm. then all of a sudden - VARRROOOOMMMMMM!!! - the car wash starts up. but, wait - there was no light to tell me to stop. now it's a guessing game as to where i am in the wash cycle to figure out where to pull up my car next.  in the past i had enjoyed the lullaby and relaxation that an automatic car wash provides. not today. i was suffering from severe anxiety. i was furiously searching for the next "station" to see where my car should be. although panicky, i knew i had to remain calm because i didn't want to just piss away my 8 bucks. so imagine, if you will for a second, that you are the car next in line and you happen to notice my car's intermittent brake lights - ON, OFF, ON, OFF, ON, OFF... just cruising right along through the car wash. "oh - look... there's that tri-colored foam... i think i should be up there." "oh... ok - here comes the big roller-thingys... i better stop here." and on it went. in the back of my mind i couldn't help but think how lucky they were to have someone such as myself as a customer - but what about those less-fortunate people in the brain department? i wonder how many people didn't receive the great car wash this place offered because they weren't able to figure out the different stations like i was succeeding in doing. but then - uh-oh... what in the... next thing you know i am emerging from the car wash (that happens to be located at the busiest gas station in the tri-state area) and there are soapy suds ALL over my vehicle. after my wiper blades made the second pass i could see people looking at me. my car couldn't have been more soapy. i then flipped my rear wiper blades on and glanced into my rear-view mirror. the car wash was still running, but with no car in it. damnit. i must have skipped a station. i slowly turned towards the entrance of the gas station and parked in the front row giving everyone a close up of the super sudsy spectacle that my car had become. as i got out of my vehicle i heard the roar of the big blower fan and couldn't help but think to myself, "that should be me in there right now."
"um, excuse me - i think your car wash is broke" i scoffed to the kid working the counter.
"ok. what's the problem, ma'am?"
i turned and pointed towards my car - which now showed the effects of the sun baking the soap onto the black exterior.
"well, obviously the rinse cycle is not working properly."
"huh... that's a first. are you sure?"
"can you see my car sitting right there? it's the one with suds all over it. so, yes - i'm pretty sure."
he then tells me to pull my car back to the entrance of the car wash. as i'm waiting for him to meet me with the magic code to bypass payment, i notice the car in front of me gliding with ease through the various wash stations. no intermittent brake lights. it was right then that i noticed the track that the tires were resting on. i proceeded to laugh so hard i peed myself. my next trip through the car wash was not spent frantically searching for the perfect place to stop for the rinse cycle. instead i spent my time googling interior car cleaners trying to find someone who had the capability to remove urine from the driver's side seat.