cornhole champion

doctor:"she's breech, so we'll see you tomorrow morning at 5 for a c-section."
me: "f***ing great."
t.j.: "so, um... could you just do that tying tubes thing while you're in there?"

because i do nothing but google, i knew that a c-section is no joke and it is a major abdominal surgery. i immediately started flipping through the webMD encyclopedia that i have etched in my head and kept thinking about all of the complications that could arise due to this procedure; breastfeeding was my immediate concern. i have been so focused on not walking around with that damn breast pump sucking the life out of my tits that breastfeeding had become my obsession while pregnant; i was going to make it work come hell or high water. upon hearing "c-section" my heart sank - i knew that establishing good breastfeeding habits was going to be just one of many things complicated by a non-vaginal delivery.

i got dressed and we were sent home for what was surely going to be a restless 5 hours of sleep. as we were walking out to the car i reached out to hold my husband's hand. t.j. and i have been through so much in our 14 years together and it was in that panic-stricken moment that i needed his comfort more than any other time in my life - you can just imagine how quickly my nerves were calmed when the man i love spoke from the depths of his heart...

"do you think the nurses will notice if i'm wearing the same outfit tomorrow morning?"

"yeah, t.j., that's what the f***ing nurses are here for - to make sure you are wearing freshly laundered clothing at all times. they don't give a shit about sick babies or saving lives - they just need to make sure while your wife's bladder and intestines are sitting out on the operating table that your f***ing pocket-T smells like a lotus blossom."

as soon as we sat down in the car i knew that for my sanity i needed to shift my thinking and put my big girl panties on. there was no turning back and it was what it was. then, it happened - the tears came pouring down my face. i was laughing. hysterically. see, about 24 hours prior to my induction was set to begin i ate 3 ears of corn. what does that have to do with anything? well, if you remember correctly, my biggest fear is shitting during childbirth. clearly the decision to eat something identifiable was due to pregnancy brain. for 24 hours i had worried myself sick over the possibility of shooting corn out of my ass. so there it was: the way i was able to be ok with having my child cut out of my stomach alien-style was knowing that there was no possibility of me pegging my OBGYN with the freshest sweet corn this side of the mason-dixon.

after they filleted me open with a scalpel and ripped a human outside of my uterus, our little ginger, london elizabeth jaynes, made her appearance at 7:14 am on tuesday, august 7, 2012. she is the best baby on earth (nothing like her sister.) she only gets up once a night and never cries. i've already told her all about the world, how lucky she is to have me and t.j. as her parents, and why ron paul is the best man to lead this country.




welcome to our crazy world, london!