dehydration + maggie moos - gallbladder = hospital

well, i was back at saint anthony's hospital saturday night. apparently after having my gallbladder removed i was supposed to stop eating anything that tastes good. i'm not supposed to eat dairy, fried foods, processed foods, or sugar. they did say, though, that i'm allowed to have water, lettuce, and tree bark.

i woke up thinking i was dying. i woke t.j. up and told him my thoughts (that i was dying) and he said, "give me a minute - it's 12:30 am." i waited and then at 12:31 i reminded him of my impending death. because of my fake medical degree i have granted myself after obsessively surfing babycenter.com, google, and webMD, i had diagnosed myself with pre-eclampsia. i had severe upper abdominal pain, 2 days of headaches, and i'm in my third trimester: clearly i was dying from pre-eclampsia. while t.j. was trying to figure out if i was really in enough pain to warrant yet another medical bill, i'm explaining to him that not only was i pre-eclamptic, but that i was going to have to deliver a 34 week old baby via c-section within the next couple of hours and that he never did get that damn closet organizer put up in the nursery; something he would surely regret because when i'm dead and gone i won't be able to help him find where the diapers are 5x a day for 18 months. (ON THE FREAKING TOP LEFT SHELF, DAMMIT!)

t.j. called our neighbor to come stay with rozlyn (even though i was approaching the pearly gates, i still had enough sense to know not to wake that monster up.) the neighbor arrived and after reminding t.j. that i was dying, he finally started hauling ass to the hospital - at one point he even reached 2 miles above the posted speed limit.

pregnancy has wreaked havoc on me. i have been pregnant - at some point - in 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011, and 2012 with only one kid (currently) to show for it. i'm also down 2 organs, one tooth, lots of hair and 4,756 cans of miller lite. just when i think it cannot get worse they say i have to collect my piss in a gas tank for 24 hours and then bring it back the following day. easy enough, right? well after finding out i was dehydrated, they rehydrated me with enough water to fill the atlantic and then tell me that every time i pee that i have to pee in a cup and then transfer that pee into the mouth of a gas tank. i said, "look lady - i cannot even see my vagina and i'm a horrible shot - is there a certain amount i can shoot for, or do i really have to collect every ounce of piss over the next 24 hours?" she informs me if it's easier, i can just piss directly into the gas tank. riiiiiiiight.

i would really love to just have a normal pregnancy and be one of those women who are all about feeling like maternal goddesses; however, after being admitted to the hospital with dehydration issues all the while missing a tooth, sporting both a chipped manicure and a tramp stamp, flashing my crotch on accident, and spending the weekend pissing all over myself i have come to the following conclusion: i'm the lindsey lohan of pregnancy.