express yourself

yesterday after easter dinner it was time to play some yahtzee. at the game table was aunt bev, uncle tony, and my brother josh. as i plopped down in my chair i asked, "does anyone mind if i express my teats?" i was referring to the fact that it was that time... time to pump. now, if you aren't a breastfeeding mom then the term, 'pump' might be foreign to you. every 4 hours of my life i shove my boobs in a breast pump so that rozzy can eat. i pump at home, in the car, inside, outside, and during yahtzee. a lot of people don't understand that this pumping business has become my life for the past 5 months. it sucks (pun intended.) today i was in a cemetery waiting for a funeral procession and there i am whipping out the girls trying to get 9 ounces before the hearse arrived. of course, when the funeral procession finally did arrive they didn't pull up behind us - they pulled up next to us. here i am hooked up like a dairy cow with my nipple being drug through a clear tube 100 times a minute and t.j.'s great uncle is directly outside of my window. somehow i have to get my boob out of a tube and back where it belongs, all while sitting in broad daylight at a grave site with every in-law known to man 2 feet away from me. right before they got there i was wondering if i was the only woman on the face of earth to pump at a cemetery... and right now there is a great uncle out there wondering if he is the only man on the face of earth to see some nip at a funeral.

zap-(sh)it

it's gonna be so much fun when rozzy can play with toys that i loved when i was growing up. i tell tj all the time we should go ahead and buy some cap guns before they are outlawed. i loved shooting cap guns... especially if i had a pack of candy cigarettes. i was so hardcore like that. my childhood best friend growing up was ryan egleston and he was pretty gangster too. we had zap-it guns. zap-its were awesome. they were water guns, but instead of filling them with water you filled them up with a disappearing ink. as you can imagine, this technology was beyond fascinating to us as kids. disappearing ink was something we had only seen on saturday morning cartoons. we shot everything (and everyone) with our zap-its. after going through cartridge after cartridge of the ink, just shooting stuff wasn't satisfying enough. we had to step it up a notch. i actually remember praying to jesus for forgiveness as i watched ryan spray the letters s-h-i-t onto my parent's bedspread. after that 't' was crossed time stood still. the average time of zap-it disappearing on any surface was around 1 minute. when you are 9 years old and you zap a cuss word on your mom's electric blanket and she is right down the hallway, the average time of disappearing increases to right around forever. ryan and i were merely concerned with the word disappearing before my mom saw it. never did it cross our minds that spraying an electric blanket with liquid could have made zapping a real possibility. i wish for rozzy to have her own version of ryan and her own version of a zap-it. and i will never own an electric blanket.

what's your story lady?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yQDlp-orUhA

roz's shutterfly

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the redneck circus is in town

we went to wisconsin. it is one of about 25 trips we have planned this year. every mom has those items that they cannot be a parent without - especially for an overnight trip. well, unlucky for me, that product is my rocking recliner. how do you take that on a trip? you don't. tj knew that i was boycotting any and all trips until i found a portable rocker - roz is one of those babies that only breathes if she is in constant motion. well, the selection of portable rocking chairs is so slim that what we had to end up buying is the most embarrassing traveling $60 i have ever seen. i could really care less what people think of me... but this... this made me cringe a little. we already look so ridiculous everywhere we go. it's me, tj, roz, kea, kona, 2 dog beds, a bassinet, our luggage, a car seat, the boppy lounger, 2 diaper bags, a toy bag, and all of tj's hair product and shower gels crammed into a 2002 mercury sable with 200,000k on it because someone won't get off his wallet.

are you jealous of my gander mountain camouflage rocking chair? i don't know if you can even see it in the picture - it may appear as my child is just floating in mid-air. the camo is so realistic it can play tricks on you, but look closer. at 2 am while i was rocking roz i was wondering why exactly there is a need for a camo rocking lawn chair. what's the target demographic gander mountain is trying to impress? are there people who hunt from their front porch?

papaw wants to know what a tramp stamp is

since there are only 5 people reading this blog and papaw is one of them, i have to start by explaining that a tramp stamp is a lower-back tattoo. mine happens to be of a crescent moon with a shooting star. is it symbolic of something? yes. it symbolizes the stupidity of a 21 year old. at the time i got it, tramp stamps were awesome. like all fads, it is now something to make fun of. think: fanny packs, dickies, ecstasy, the macarena and roller-blading. i am not ashamed of my tramp stamp; like all the aforementioned, it still amuses me. how do dickies still amuse me? one of my all-time favorite stories to tell is of the time the waitress at frichs took so long to bring us napkins that my uncle tony whipped out his dickie to wipe his mouth off. (the humor of saying "whipped out his dickie" was not lost on me.) why have i started a blog? more than one person suggested i do so. i find blogs to be incredibly narcissistic, but i'm here doing one. now that i have a kid i barely have time to brush my teeth, but somehow i think i'm going to find time to blog.