i. am. freaking. pregnant.



"well don't you know how babies are made?" ~idiot~

"yes - and since i'm not a loser like you, i am very high-risk." ~lars~

my photoshoot with dollar store test #4 of 7

i'm due may 2nd.

many people, including close friends and family, are wondering why they are finding out this information in such a manner. well, there is quite a difference in my reaction to this pregnancy than with the first. when i got the  my positive test with roz i freaked out and was so happy. when i got this positive test i freaked out, took 6 more tests, and google-mapped the nearest bridge to jump off of. with roz, i took a picture of the test and sent it to friends with no caption other than a smiley face. they all wrote back very nice sentimental messages and a lot of "congratulations!" with this test i simply sent a text to my friends saying "i'm ^*!%*# pregnant" and they wrote back with "blahahaha" and "omg." and "wth." when informing t.j. of my pregnancy with roz it was a huge deal worthy of celebration. this time i told him to stay away from me because it may have been some type of celebration that got us into this mess to begin with.

with rozzy, we had been actively trying for years to have a baby. i figured i was safe in refraining from birth control since it took so long to conceive the first time around. for those that don't know: in 2009, t.j. got a job promotion in the chicago region. he moved there for 6 months while i stayed in ohio. being childless, i agreed to make the move. when i got there it took us about 4 days to get settled in. when we finally got all the way unpacked and moved in we went to dinner. then we had some drinks. then when i still felt hungover 5 days later i started thinking maybe i wasn't hungover - and voila... after years of trying, i end up finding out i was knocked up 9 days after moving 4 hours away from every one of my relatives and friends (aka: babysitters) on the face of planet earth.

i'm careful of how i describe our fertility issues - i can't act like it was some devastating journey for me like it is for millions of women. if someone says that they've been trying for years to win a marathon, what they are really saying is that they have been doing crazy amounts of running - and running sucks. however, when i say that "we had been actively trying for years to have a baby," what i'm really saying is we had a lot of sex for a really long time.

it is definitely not an unwanted child, but is most definitely an unwanted pregnancy. being pregnant sucks. i have never been one who took a liking to being fat or to being restricted from drinking miller light; and definitely not being both at the exact same time for 9 months. however, i've decided that a lot of people have a baby and raise them to an age where they are able to go out and do fun things like movies and disney world only to be stopped by having another baby. then you are back at square one. will it suck to have two babies in diapers? yes. will it suck to have 2 car seats in the back of my car? yes. will it suck to try to manage a household and shower before 3 pm everyday? considering that is a problem now, yes. however, i have decided that it won't suck to get all of the hassles of 2 kids done at the exact same time. or at least that's what i'm telling myself. i actually dare anyone to tell me otherwise.

so what does t.j. think of the news? he is thrilled. him and his brother are exactly 18 months apart just like our kids will be and he thinks it is wonderful. of course, just as now, he isn't trying to maintain his full-time job from home while trying to raise a kid who doesn't eat dog food for a mid-day snack. he also knows that we are having a boy since we already have a girl - cause that's how it works, right? he is delusional. i told him that there is no way i'm going to be able to keep my work-from-home-job and have two kids under the age of 2. he says i can. in all actuality, if we made drastic changes in our lifestyle we could afford for me to quit my job - but then how would he ever pay for his 27 rounds of golf a week?

kids are pure entertainment and i'm a good story-teller. i'm already imagining that 2 kids under the age of 2 is going to be comedy gold as far as my blogging goes. i'm already looking forward to posting the blog titled, "t.j.'s first vasectomy" - i haven't written it yet, but i can tell you already it's gonna be my favorite one yet.

he had no choice but to take me home

thank god for tj.

tonight his parents volunteered to watch rozzy while we went on a date night. this was great since this is how many times me and tj have been to dinner alone since she was born: 0. he had an italian joint in tinley park picked out which was fine because i am obsessed with italian. when we sat down i asked tj where our menus were. he explained that there was no menu and pointed to the walls that were covered in chalkboards that had the choices written on them. i started reading all of the choices - but i was saying them in an italian accent. that is just something i have to do. had we been at a mexican restaurant i would have been speaking in a mexican accent. (also known as spanish.) now, for those that know us, you can imagine this scene: i'm yelling out "cannoli, fettucini, tortellini..." and i'm cracking myself up. meanwhile, tj is looking at his phone. (probably googling the next golf course he will play and talk about non-stop for the 6 days afterwards.)

i said "you know, if this were our first date i would never go out with you again. i'm sitting here having fun and you are staring at your phone."  then i said, "that's what we should do: we should pretend like we are on a first date!" no sooner had those words escaped my mouth when the waitress sat down a caprese salad in front of my face. i immediately picked up my fork and shoved one of the tomato slices (whole) in my mouth and inhaled it. then i proclaimed "oh-my-god-this-tomato-is-the-bomb!" next was the mozzarella chunk, then the olives... "tj - you will NOT believe how much this cheese and these olives are the bomb!" then i started hysterically laughing at my (over)usage of "the bomb." and then shoved yet another piece of olive-oil drenched bread in my face. then i started really laughing.as i had oil dripping down my chin it had dawned on me exactly what kind of date i would be. i'm loud, i crack up at my own jokes, i eat like an ethiopian in the military, i do horrible accents, and i still say "the bomb."

at that point i decided to try to be less larissa and a bit more sexy. i said in a deep, sultry voice (that in retrospect actually sounded more manly than seductive) "i guess if we are on a date then we need to have some desert." tj laughed at my pathetic attempt at being sexy, but played along. "oh yeah?" he asked. i started my response in the sultry (manly) voice, but it quickly turned into a hyena scream: "yeah... how about the POUNDCAKE?!? BLAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!" well, every time i laugh i either pee myself or i about do. this time i was lucky and i excused myself.

while in the bathroom, i decided to take my underwear off - it's not what you are thinking. the bottom line is that i have no business putting size 6 panties on my size 11 ass. the fried zucchini i polished off was more than that little piece of floss could handle - i had to get them off asap. of course, i didn't have my purse so i had to ball them up (which was actually the shape they had been in all night, except not in my fist) and walk back out to the table holding them. and of course, i didn't just walk thru the entire restaurant casually - no, i walked through giggling with an i-am-holding-my-underwear-in-my-hand expression plastered all over my face.

as we were walking out to the car i said, "my lord i feel so free!" tj said, "why because rozlyn isn't on your hip?" i said, "no because i took my underwear off." i proceeded to tell him what i did in the bathroom and why. even after hearing about my fat hips, watching me laugh at myself with oil-dripping down my chin, and listening to his almost 31-year old wife say "the bomb" 42 times, he took me for ice-cream.

best. date. ever.

cake smashed

before rozzy, i remember going to my friends' kid's birthday parties -  t.j and i would actually tailgate at our house before leaving. i remember thinking how lame it was that we couldn't have a piece of cake until after the birthday boy/girl smashed it all over themselves. not only was it really messy, but how many pictures could one person really need of their child with elmo-red icing all over their face? and all t.j. could think about was how hard it would be to get those stains off their onesies. the cake mess was followed by the they'll-never-remember-this hour of opening a bazillion gifts. your house already looks like toys-r-us exploded in it, why you would need more crap is beyond me.

although not a birthday party, we did go to a raging party over this past weekend. oh wait - no we didn't. it was a family labor day party. we used to go to parties that when someone yelled, "we got a puuuuuuker!!!!" you knew that someone couldn't handle shotgunning their beer properly; now we know that some stupid kid didn't wait the suggested 30 minutes between cake and the bouncey house. in the past, t.j. and i would buy a case of beer to go to a party. now we have a 6 pack that lays next to the bottled water we have in the cooler so that rozzy has plenty of purified h20 for her formula. the time we used to spend scavenging a person's house for random munchies is now filled by snacking on a crab cake as i hunt down whoever is responsible for passing out glow bracelets to everyone's kid except mine. (i found that jerk.) mindless chatter about who is sleeping with who and what that girl is wearing has been replaced with the one baby item you just couldn't live without. (a bumbo chair, in case you are wondering.)

i saw all the moms sitting around helping their kids prepare their sticks for marshmallows to make smores over the campfire and all i could think about was, "that kid better not take my stick, damnit." i wanted a smore - but i would've been the only person there over the age of 8 eating one. not only was it a kid thing, but all of the moms are watching what they eat because they are on a diet. these are the same group of women i saw in january who were on a diet - and i don't know what kind of plan they are following, but some of them could use a stricter one. so i didn't eat a smore. (instead, i made cookies when i got home and took all 8 of them straight to my face.)

i'm currently in the process of planning rozzy's first birthday party. because of my own history with these type of things, combined with feeling very old, i wanted to be very mindful of our childless friends. i'm planning to have it at marions pizza. this way we have a family atmosphere, but there's also the option to drink mass amounts of beer and act foolish if you so desire. and while you are doing that, i'll be taking 750 pictures of the most adorable birthday girl ever with yo gabba gabba-orange icing all over her face.