crypt keeper of kids

i got "randomly" selected for a drug test at work. with tj being out of town on business, what could've been only a minor pain in the ass quickly became a gigantic one. as a parent to a 1 and 2 year old, even an errand as simple as pissing in a cup is quite the to-do. after i got the girls bathed, diapered, dressed, fed, packed a diaper bag, poured juice, packed the necessary buffet of snacks and found their shoes (any parent knows that finding 2 pairs of matching kids shoes in less than an hour is quite impressive) i strapped 'em in the car.

after waiting 20 minutes in a room where my double stroller left .05mm for the other patients to roam freely, they called me up to the counter. the receptionist - who had been a member of the audience watching my "mommy theater" trying to keep the girls entertained - asked if i had anyone with me.

me: *looking at her with a duh face and motioning to the 2 kids that everyone in the entire building was aware of* "my 2 girls."
her: *pointing to a 8/12x11 sign on the wall among 50 other signs* "you cannot leave minors unattended for any amount of time."
me: "well, i'm just peeing in a cup, right? i've had a pot of coffee - i'm pretty sure i can produce urine quick. matter of fact, i sneezed at the gas station and i may have a sample already waiting for you in my underwear."
her: *crickets*
me: *starting to turn into a black lady* "so what you're saying is, after you saw me waiting 20 minutes here with 2 kids, you wait until it is my turn and then inform me of the asinine rules?!?!
her: "the rules are posted right there on the wall. can't you call a friend or a family member?"
me: "yeah. i have tons of friends and family... IN OHIO!!! CAN YOU WAIT 4 1/2 HOURS??!?!"

i had just started strategizing on how i was gonna get my fist through that hole in the plexiglass window when, out of nowhere, a man says "i can watch them." i looked over to see a guy who was so old that he wouldn't have ever been able to save my girls if they were in danger or choking. but since he was the only volunteer, he was hired. there were 4 other complete strangers in the waiting room which also looked like nice enough people to leave my only children with. i was pretty sure they looked capable of picking up his slack should he... i don't know ... die?

as a mom who utilizes zero childcare resources - and has nobody other than acquaintances and neighbors where i live - i face many challenges. today was one of them. my goal was to piss in a cup faster than the time it would take to issue an amber alert - and i did it. i came flying into the waiting room and scooped up the girls like a soldier returning from overseas. i looked over to that nice gentleman, with a beaming smile, and told him "thank you." i'm sure he would've replied with an equally enthusiastic "you're welcome" had he been awake.

a stupid ass time

well, as you can tell by my lackluster performance in the blogosphere, i've been stupid busy lately. i have a huge endeavor that i've been involved with for a while now that i can't really talk about. doesn't that piss you off when people do that? it's like people who "check in" at the hospital on facebook but don't give any further information. i always hope it's something really bad happening to them like a nailgun shot them in the face if they are that annoying of a person to just check-in at a hospital without explanation.

anyways. what i can tell you is that this endeavor has left me little time and very little patience. tj accused me of being "short" lately... which is something he should know about at a whopping 5 foot 8.5 inches. some mystery guy on the internet accused me of abuse and negligence because i take my two young children to baseball games. i sent him a private message telling him i'm dying of cancer and that in the short 6 weeks i have left i wanted to enjoy a ball game with my daughters. of course i'm not dying and nor do i have cancer, but i sure enjoyed his apologetic and graveling response. then there are the 5,678 people that have asked me if i have applied sunblock to london's pale skin this summer. yes - i applied both sunscreen and stupid-repellent, but obviously one isn't working.

it isn't helpful that i haven't enjoyed a proper vacation this summer, either. tj - in all of his shining brilliance - suggested that instead of taking one nice long vacation that we embark on a series of "staycations" which is code word for "motel 6's all across indiana." instead of sipping margaritas on siesta key, i have been forced to drink sarsaparilla at vintage baseball games where old men yell "huzzah" and other annoying pre-civil war phrases that make you sound like a douchebag when used in a public setting.

i am really trying to get back to my usual happy-go-lucky self, but it is just so hard when every single person i encounter is just a complete stupid ass. especially moms. stupid ass moms are on my last nerve and the girls haven't even enrolled in kindergarten yet. roz isn't potty trained and london is still breastfeeding. when these two facts are discovered by stupid ass moms, all hell breaks loose. one stupid ass mom had the audacity to ask me if i was going to try to recreate the infamous time cover where a toddler was standing up breastfeeding.

i just laughed it off, waited a couple of seconds... and then brought up her son's lazy eye.