crypt keeper of kids

i got "randomly" selected for a drug test at work. with tj being out of town on business, what could've been only a minor pain in the ass quickly became a gigantic one. as a parent to a 1 and 2 year old, even an errand as simple as pissing in a cup is quite the to-do. after i got the girls bathed, diapered, dressed, fed, packed a diaper bag, poured juice, packed the necessary buffet of snacks and found their shoes (any parent knows that finding 2 pairs of matching kids shoes in less than an hour is quite impressive) i strapped 'em in the car.

after waiting 20 minutes in a room where my double stroller left .05mm for the other patients to roam freely, they called me up to the counter. the receptionist - who had been a member of the audience watching my "mommy theater" trying to keep the girls entertained - asked if i had anyone with me.

me: *looking at her with a duh face and motioning to the 2 kids that everyone in the entire building was aware of* "my 2 girls."
her: *pointing to a 8/12x11 sign on the wall among 50 other signs* "you cannot leave minors unattended for any amount of time."
me: "well, i'm just peeing in a cup, right? i've had a pot of coffee - i'm pretty sure i can produce urine quick. matter of fact, i sneezed at the gas station and i may have a sample already waiting for you in my underwear."
her: *crickets*
me: *starting to turn into a black lady* "so what you're saying is, after you saw me waiting 20 minutes here with 2 kids, you wait until it is my turn and then inform me of the asinine rules?!?!
her: "the rules are posted right there on the wall. can't you call a friend or a family member?"
me: "yeah. i have tons of friends and family... IN OHIO!!! CAN YOU WAIT 4 1/2 HOURS??!?!"

i had just started strategizing on how i was gonna get my fist through that hole in the plexiglass window when, out of nowhere, a man says "i can watch them." i looked over to see a guy who was so old that he wouldn't have ever been able to save my girls if they were in danger or choking. but since he was the only volunteer, he was hired. there were 4 other complete strangers in the waiting room which also looked like nice enough people to leave my only children with. i was pretty sure they looked capable of picking up his slack should he... i don't know ... die?

as a mom who utilizes zero childcare resources - and has nobody other than acquaintances and neighbors where i live - i face many challenges. today was one of them. my goal was to piss in a cup faster than the time it would take to issue an amber alert - and i did it. i came flying into the waiting room and scooped up the girls like a soldier returning from overseas. i looked over to that nice gentleman, with a beaming smile, and told him "thank you." i'm sure he would've replied with an equally enthusiastic "you're welcome" had he been awake.