zumbadoos and don'ts

so i started zumba.

zumba is so weird - at one point i'm doing sexy salsa steps and the next minute i'm doing some retard version of gangnam style. during the part in gangnam style where you look like your riding some kind of stupid animal, i noticed my tits flying up dangerously close to my chin. as i rode along on my fake ostrich i realized the huge contrast between the support of a sports bra, and the support of a nursing bra that looks like a sports bra. my nursing bra wasn't the only article of mom clothing i was sporting either - i was also wearing my black, stretchy maternity leggings. i still like to wear all of my maternity leggings because they have that big panel i can pull up to my collarbone in case i want to eat a steak or drink beer - or in this case, tuck my tits into them like some kind of weird zumbaroo.

because it's been so long since i've taken an aerobics class, i made sure to get the spot in the very back by the door. i figured i could hide my lack of coordination, plus have an easy escape in case of heart attack or stroke. this was a great idea until students for the next class started huddling up outside of the door with 10 minutes of zumba left to go. the next class happened to be a little girls' tap class and when "i'm sexy and i know it" came ironically blaring out of the speakers, these girls came like moths to a flame. there i am tripping all over myself trying to watch our instructor (who apparently drinks a cocktail of 5 hour energy, red bull and cocaine before each class) do some move i can only describe as having sex while standing up, and these little girls are laughing. they were laughing at us. more specifically, i was starting to wonder if they were laughing at me. i began some weird inner-monologue about how i was an adult and i wasn't gonna let those those little punk ass tap bitches psyche me out of zumba. i looked over to see if any of my classmates were feeling the same unbearable scrutiny and the first lady i glanced at had... well, she had a beard.

 immediately those little tap jerks faded out of my existence and i became enamored by the bearded lady. i know these things unfortunately happen... but it's like she doesn't even try to maintain it... just a thousand random pubic hairs kinda shooting out in every direction from her face.

anyways... i always end my blog with some type of joke or funny moral, but today there isn't one. i just wanted to write about my zumba class and how it turned into a bit of a hairy situation.