so i had my first and final garage sale. i don't care how many teeth i need to buy: i am not ever going to make the decision to organize another cheapskate weirdo convention on my property. i already had a distaste for the human race as a whole, but this past weekend just placed a stripped nail in the coffin.
it started off with my craigslist ad responses. i posted an ad for my garage sale with the sole intent of letting people know that i was having a garage sale with lots of baby girls' clothing and other miscellaneous baby items. the point of an advertisement is to say "hey - i've got this stuff to sell! if you are need of this type of shit, come buy mine!" (although i am, you don't need to be a marketing professional to know how a classified ad works.)
approximately 4 minutes after hitting "publish" my phone started dinging; it was alerting me to the fact that a bunch of retarded people looking for weed wackers, pre-1964 quarters, baseball cards, and other common "miscellaneous baby items" were emailing me with inventory inquiries. at first i attempted to reply to each of these jackoffs with pleasant reminders that i had advertised a "baby sale" and that i'm not really into bartering my high chair for an ice chest of porterhouse steaks just like they sell at TGI Fridays. after 30 minutes of kind emails explaining what exactly my "baby sale" was comprised of - no, not size 8 1/2 men's softball cleats with metal spikes - patience became a thing of the past.
when the day of the sale came i knew that i probably pissed off a lot of people who had my address, so i treated every customer as a suspect - especially the pregnant chicks. tons of pregnant chicks emailed me asking about sizes and pricing. i eventually got to the point of telling them they were pregnant, not crippled and they could get their fat asses off the couch to actually come shop my damn sale. they're about to embark on a journey of raising a human from birth to adulthood and they can't walk a block to look at a bunch of shit on my ping-pong table. i understand there's some negotiation and awkward chit-chat that is part of the garage sale kingdom, but i've worked for real businesses my whole life; i cannot imagine calling jc penny and asking them to walk out to the misses section and give me a run down of what they are offering down to the color, size and price... oh and yeah, would you mind giving that to me for 93% off if i sent my uncle there before noon?
would i take $65 for the $80 treadmill? no. you have to pay a heavy fine if you want to hang your clothes on that bad boy just like i did. can i call you on sunday if the bumbo is still sitting there and i'd like to get rid of it for a lesser price? no. my mother is lucky to hear from me through an actual phone conversation once a month, let alone call some random nutjob who just pulled a a post-it note with her phone number already written on it out of her fanny pack like some kind of hillbilly business card.
yeah, but was it worth it, you are wondering. did you raise enough money to buy a new tooth? no. i made $400 at my garage sale. a new tooth is gonna run $1,500.00. oh, yeah... and after counting my precious dollar bills, t.j. pulled up with $600 worth of golf cart batteries he "got a great deal on."
so now tj is also going to need some new teeth.
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ReplyDeleteHilarious post. I discovered your writing for the first time earlier tonight via Healthy Shit, and then it led here. i was merely doing research about bowel health. This particular post reminds me of my sister's experiences with the Freecycle Group that got a little overly entitled and demanding. I'm enjoying the hell out of your blog. I used to do marketing stuff and I had to study Mommy Bloggers. I'm not a mom, I am infertile but they made me pretend i was a mommy blogger to do advertising stuff. Anyway, i'm not bitter, the mommy bloggers are endearing and funny and i learned a lot about modern mothers. and I don't want to have children so don't pity my affliction. But I DO want to vicariously experience other people's lives like reading novels. and i LOVE reading perspectives from sassy anxious/observant intelligent mother bloggers like yourself. it's like a phenomenon, at the cutting edge of evolution. much of our society is full of slow moving dumbasses, and those are the ones who don't know about this whole community/movement going on with internet moms. the slow will be eaten by bears, the rest of us will have the best chance. in the future.
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