anniversary toilet reading for my love

even in 10th grade you couldn't keep your
eyes off of me

in honor of our anniversary i really racked my brain trying to dust off my earliest memory of you. here is what I came up with: we were sitting in mrs. boyd’s french class in 8th grade and you sat directly in front of me. you had a buzzed haircut and a fat neck. when you looked up at the projection screen, your buzzed neck rolls kind of resembled a sideways vagina and I tried to land little tiny spit balls into it.

we’ve come a long way since french class. from childhood to high school, from high school to college, from college to adulthood, and now - because of rozlyn and london, we’ve come full circle back to childhood. not only have we survived the growing pains that inevitably come with lilfe, but we’ve survived them together as a couple who, sitting here right now in this moment, love each other more today than the day we walked down the aisle. and that’s impressive, too - when we first got married i had perky tits and my favorite thing to do was to make dinner. now my boobs sag and my favorite thing to make is reservations.

random piece of land in the middle of
the wisconsin dells

we have been to numerous movies, sporting events, vacations, weddings, funerals, zoos, parties, amusement parks, haunted houses, orchards, golf courses, festivals, cabrewing trips, concerts, ski resorts, and fairs. we got kicked out of the fairfield commons for heckling a security guard, narrowly escaped jail at both ohio state and purdue, you stole a wallet from jc penny’s and i stole 2 dessert plates from bahama breeze. we’ve had sex on a beach, on a golf course, and on some random piece of land in the middle of the wisconsin dells.

we’ve had our fair share of adversity, too - but nobody wants to hear about the time you missed our very first parenting class because you were drunk on the golf course. we’ve said some nasty things, and we’ve screamed a lot of obscenities - well, actually i have screamed a lot of obscenities while you just stood there calm and collected. through it all, though, we’ve realized that being together is better than being apart even if i have to sleep in the basement.

although we don’t express our undying love for one another very often - and definitely not publicly - today i’m doing just that. i love you, tj jaynes. i love you more than anything in this world. we only have one life on this planet and because of you, i have the best. you make me a cup of coffee every morning, you do all of my laundry, you do the dishes, you mow the lawn, you take out the garbage, and, overall, provide a great life for me and the girls. now that i think about it you are more than just my husband; you’re like a really hot indentured servant who happens to be really good in bed - and for that i’m very thankful.

ps: for our anniversary i got you an appointment for a vasectomy. you can thank me later.