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escape to paradise

i had my first chiropractic treatment today. long story short, i'm not cut out for the chiropractic business. for 20 minutes i had to try not to giggle as a licensed massage therapist rubbed all over my back and got dangerously close to my rectum. i have always suffered from getting the giggles at the wrong time, but today was just downright horrible. my first response to the onset of inappropriate laughter is to contemplate really serious atrocities that no sane person could possibly snicker through. this chick's thumbs were like two little ballerinas pirouetting around my asshole and i'm sitting there thinking about syrian war casualties.

after finalizing my plan for world peace, the therapist decided that her hands weren't cutting it and she proceeded to start elbowing my left butt cheek. i had just kinda shifted a bit in response to my ass being pummeled by floyd mayweather when it happened.... i felt a little... ahem... bubble in my tummy. with each stroke up my vertebrae, the bubble traveled closer and closer to the escape route. at this point i am no longer trying to suffocate the urge to crack up, but i am now squeezing my butt cheeks so tight together that it prompted the lady to ask "is that too much pressure?" to which i responded "no, that feels great."

NO, THAT FEELS GREAT?!?!?!?!?

why would i say that? she had just given me an easy out that i instead used to offer encouragement - encouragement to keep massaging my colon through my spinal cord with her forearm. as that little pocket of toxicity got closer and closer to rearing it's ugly head, i scrambled to prepare for what may happen next. as a lady, i would like to think that i would be spraying a light mist of tahitian breeze throughout that little 2x2 cubicle we were sitting in. as a realist, i know that tahitian breeze has never been a direct result of having scrambled eggs for breakfast.

i had just started sweating when the timer went off. she was done. it was over. relief had arrived. she told me to meet her outside in the receptionist area once i was ready and got my belongings together. as soon as she shut the door i may or may not have ripped ass.

and it may or may not have smelled like a tahitian breeze.

anniversary toilet reading for my love

even in 10th grade you couldn't keep your
eyes off of me

in honor of our anniversary i really racked my brain trying to dust off my earliest memory of you. here is what I came up with: we were sitting in mrs. boyd’s french class in 8th grade and you sat directly in front of me. you had a buzzed haircut and a fat neck. when you looked up at the projection screen, your buzzed neck rolls kind of resembled a sideways vagina and I tried to land little tiny spit balls into it.

we’ve come a long way since french class. from childhood to high school, from high school to college, from college to adulthood, and now - because of rozlyn and london, we’ve come full circle back to childhood. not only have we survived the growing pains that inevitably come with lilfe, but we’ve survived them together as a couple who, sitting here right now in this moment, love each other more today than the day we walked down the aisle. and that’s impressive, too - when we first got married i had perky tits and my favorite thing to do was to make dinner. now my boobs sag and my favorite thing to make is reservations.

random piece of land in the middle of
the wisconsin dells

we have been to numerous movies, sporting events, vacations, weddings, funerals, zoos, parties, amusement parks, haunted houses, orchards, golf courses, festivals, cabrewing trips, concerts, ski resorts, and fairs. we got kicked out of the fairfield commons for heckling a security guard, narrowly escaped jail at both ohio state and purdue, you stole a wallet from jc penny’s and i stole 2 dessert plates from bahama breeze. we’ve had sex on a beach, on a golf course, and on some random piece of land in the middle of the wisconsin dells.

we’ve had our fair share of adversity, too - but nobody wants to hear about the time you missed our very first parenting class because you were drunk on the golf course. we’ve said some nasty things, and we’ve screamed a lot of obscenities - well, actually i have screamed a lot of obscenities while you just stood there calm and collected. through it all, though, we’ve realized that being together is better than being apart even if i have to sleep in the basement.

although we don’t express our undying love for one another very often - and definitely not publicly - today i’m doing just that. i love you, tj jaynes. i love you more than anything in this world. we only have one life on this planet and because of you, i have the best. you make me a cup of coffee every morning, you do all of my laundry, you do the dishes, you mow the lawn, you take out the garbage, and, overall, provide a great life for me and the girls. now that i think about it you are more than just my husband; you’re like a really hot indentured servant who happens to be really good in bed - and for that i’m very thankful.

ps: for our anniversary i got you an appointment for a vasectomy. you can thank me later.