escape to paradise

i had my first chiropractic treatment today. long story short, i'm not cut out for the chiropractic business. for 20 minutes i had to try not to giggle as a licensed massage therapist rubbed all over my back and got dangerously close to my rectum. i have always suffered from getting the giggles at the wrong time, but today was just downright horrible. my first response to the onset of inappropriate laughter is to contemplate really serious atrocities that no sane person could possibly snicker through. this chick's thumbs were like two little ballerinas pirouetting around my asshole and i'm sitting there thinking about syrian war casualties.

after finalizing my plan for world peace, the therapist decided that her hands weren't cutting it and she proceeded to start elbowing my left butt cheek. i had just kinda shifted a bit in response to my ass being pummeled by floyd mayweather when it happened.... i felt a little... ahem... bubble in my tummy. with each stroke up my vertebrae, the bubble traveled closer and closer to the escape route. at this point i am no longer trying to suffocate the urge to crack up, but i am now squeezing my butt cheeks so tight together that it prompted the lady to ask "is that too much pressure?" to which i responded "no, that feels great."

NO, THAT FEELS GREAT?!?!?!?!?

why would i say that? she had just given me an easy out that i instead used to offer encouragement - encouragement to keep massaging my colon through my spinal cord with her forearm. as that little pocket of toxicity got closer and closer to rearing it's ugly head, i scrambled to prepare for what may happen next. as a lady, i would like to think that i would be spraying a light mist of tahitian breeze throughout that little 2x2 cubicle we were sitting in. as a realist, i know that tahitian breeze has never been a direct result of having scrambled eggs for breakfast.

i had just started sweating when the timer went off. she was done. it was over. relief had arrived. she told me to meet her outside in the receptionist area once i was ready and got my belongings together. as soon as she shut the door i may or may not have ripped ass.

and it may or may not have smelled like a tahitian breeze.