no place like my home

there is a huge difference between having visitors before you are a parent and after. last year when our guests came my house was not only spotless, but i even provided amenities for them, think: a redneck version of the best western. on their freshly laundered 150 thread count sheets i placed 2 washcloths and 2 bath towels – making sure i cut off as many of the 100 loosely attached strings as possible. for each guest i would provide a shampoo, conditioner, a bar of soap and a mouthwash. those toiletries happen to have been collector items from t.j.’s job requiring a 3 month long tour of every holliday inn express in the tri-state area, and I felt that they were the perfect touch to make our guests feel at home (because everyone has 2oz.-use-it-once-then-it’s-gone toiletries at home, right?) in the morning we served steaming hot coffee – well… it was steaming hot because after pouring the tepid coffee from our dying bunn coffee maker we nuked each person’s cup ‘o joe in the microwave for 12 seconds. the coffee was served before and during the breakfast t.j. always made for our guests: egg beaters and turkey bacon served on a whole-grain english muffin with low-sodium, calcium-fortified orange juice. t.j. is a bit of a health-nut and I’m assuming he felt that if there was one personal touch he could provide for our overweight friends and family it would be showing them how disgusting a healthy meal can be.

after breakfast we would move on to our planned activity of the day; the candy factory, a tour of downtown chicago, the sand dunes at lake michigan, golfing, fishing, bowling, getting drunk, etc… we always had every minute of every day planned out and we always had exhausted guests come day’s end. subconsciously, maybe we were trying to ensure such a level of exhaustion that they wouldn’t notice on their descent to their sleeping quarters downstairs that our basement is actually chilly enough to hang meat in. then, come sunrise we would start all over again.

now, fast forward to this year as i am now a mother of an 8 month old. the 150 thread-count sheets may be clean when you get here. if you have any piercings, beware: my  nose ring didn’t fare well after being drug through the gamut that is our old teal bath towel. forget any toiletries? you can use whatever is in my shower, or there is a walgreens right around the corner.  need coffee? you can get it at mcdonalds – while you are there I’ll take an egg mcmuffin with a hash brown. coffee, black. the plan for the weekend? you can do whatever the hell you’d like to, but I’ll be here chasing my now mobile infant around the house making sure she doesn’t get into any of the crap you’ve left laying around my living room. what’s that? you were cold last night? I have a zippered hoodie in the dirty clothes hamper if you want. just keep digging ‘till you find it. it’s the green one.