*author’s note: in the south right before you talk unfavorably towards someone you god-bless them first. (example: “god-bless her, but shirleen's daughter is a real whore.”) so, here is where i am going to god-bless my daughter before I continue on with this essay. i love her more than anything on earth. she is the world to me and i cannot imagine a day without her. god-bless my little roz. ok… now i can continue.
rozzy is what famed pediatrician dr. sears refers to as "high needs." the good doctor has a checklist of 12 characteristics and accompanying descriptions on his website so that you can properly diagnose your child as crazy from the comfort of your own living room. every single one of the 12 items listed combine together to create one thing: my child. at one point in time i am sure that every mother thinks their child is high needs; with the key words being "at one point in time." for me, that point in time happens to be Every. Single. Day. recently i submitted a picture of rozzy to the webmaster at sears' site so they could have a descriptive illustration to accompany their informative article.
i knew that having a baby would change my life, but I was thinking about regular babies – not crazy ones. i had googled enough baby articles during pregnancy that i was prepared for another human to be dependant on me to the point where my life would change. what i was not prepared for was learning how to wipe after peeing while said human is on my lap. i had heard that a baby would display cues as to when they were satisfied after a bottle or a meal. what i didn’t expect was for her to show her satiation by ripping my glasses off of my face and slamming them down into three separate pieces. i had heard all the tales about new mom sleep-deprivation, but didn’t know that 46 consecutive minutes of sleep would be facebook status update-worthy.
on the rare occasion that t.j. and i dare to eat a meal outside of our own home, we have to keep in mind that our precious little rozzy doesn’t like to be restrained. after learning how to crawl, most babies assert their independence by refusing constraint systems such as high chairs. rozzy asserts her independence with a blood-curdling scream followed by projectile vomit that she then chokes on; that is then followed by 5 rapid back blows and two parental panic attacks. it’s these carrie-style scenes that make me wonder why in the world t.j. wants to do this all over again. he seems to think that because we have a girl that we automatically win the boy lottery next time. what i know is that both of our familial histories - combined with my old age - could end with my next pregnancy being with twin girls. *insert picture of me jumping off a cliff here*
when i state out loud that i do not want any more children apparently what people hear me say is, “i am evil. i hate babies.” this, of course, is not the case. as a matter of fact, before rozzy was born i was never a baby person. now that i've had rozzy, i am a baby person. pre-roz, if you had a baby i'd say how cute they are and then go about my day. now when i see a baby i grab them out of their mothers' hands, kiss them all over their cute little faces, and then a demand a full report on their sleeping, pooping, and overall disposition and then ask if i can take them home with me. this can get awkward for some strangers at the grocery store.
even though i volunteer to take other babies home with us, if i had my way, t.j. would go get his boys snipped. if he had his way, i would have 3 more children. my course of action for birth control is leaving him in charge of the baby for an entire week - including the nighttime shift that requires an every 2 hour wakeful period. after having his beauty sleep interrupted and his 17 rounds of golf a week eliminated, i am sure that t.j. will come to see that 1 & done is the way to go.
with all that being said, roz is awfully adorable and very smart... it would be interesting to see what the next one would be like... maybe one more wouldn't be so bad after all...
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